TO YOU
There is no need to put any one's name out there.  This goes out to a certain person who will know who they are whenever they read this...IF they read this.
At first my plan was to leave it alone.  I had decided that I was done with you.  But I find myself having alot to say to you, without directly wanting to say it to you. Why dont I want to call you and tell u how I feel? Why dont I want to meet with you in person to tell u this face to face?? Reason 1: I deleted your #s from my phone with the intent to NEVER add them back in there AGAIN. Reason 2: If I was to ever be face to face with you again, I'd probably smack the shit out of you...4REAL! But enough with the BS.....
For about a good 6 1/2 years we were good friends, close friends, close enough to be the best of friends....U was there for me when I needed u and I was there for u when u needed me.  Come the summer after graduation, the two of us went our seperate ways to different schools...BUT STILL KEPT IN TOUCH LIKE TRUE FRIENDS ARE SUPPOSED TO!  We sat on the phone, blowing off term papers, studying for tests, and homework for a little bit of laughter and conversation.  I spent time on the phone listenin to drama u was goin thru with them otha two buckethead bitches u was fuckin wit.  And even tho it pissed me of to sit there and listen to them be childish, I did it, for your sake. U was on tha phone with me the night of my freshman year when I was high as shit off of drugs I shouldnt have even been on and ready to kill myself...And although there was nothing u could do to physically stop me...Just ur words over the phone was enough to soothe my soul, and make me rethink what I was about to do. Even tho there really isnt too much I really remember that night I remember YOU being MY TRUE FRIEND.  The one and only friend who I opened up to about situations I thought only YOU would understand.  For saving me, I thank you.  Because had u not have been there, I wouldnt be here right now.  I wouldnt have had a chance to meet the wonderful woman that I have choosin to spend my life with.  Now I know, at times I've put my girlfriend first, and I spend ALOT of time with her, BUT NEVER ONCE HAVE I TURNED MY BACK ON ANY ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY REALLY NEEDED ME.  I took a time out AWAY from the world so I could grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Yet within those 6months it had seemed like I had disappeared, if there was a DIRE emergency I was there.  In that time I took to myself I matured more than most and after I decided to show my face to the world again I started brand new by cutting the people off that weren't doing anything for me but bringing me down.  That meant, the two faced bitches that u were friends with that were so quick to talk about me behind my back and many others who werent real.  YOU WERE NOT ONE OF THEM. After everything was all said and done, I came right back to your side being your friend.  I thought u had realized that I wasnt down for the bullshit ass drama anymore.  But obviously u didnt pay very much attention.  That night u called me, askin for my help....I extended my hand to u. I offered to have my DC folkz come to your house and get you. And you said NO. I offered to send ONE person to come n get you...U SAID NO.  After hearing how your BITCH ASS GIRLFRIEND treated u that night, I was more than ready to send my folkz bustin thru ur door to put a bullet in that bitch head...BUT OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU...AND YOUR LOVE FOR HER...I did the next best thing.  I called the cops.  YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW I DONT FUCK WITH THE POLICE! I hate them muthafuckas...but that was YOUR LAST HOPE and obviously u didnt take it.  After goin thru what I went thru with u that night, I've realized there is NOTHING I can do for u.  U dont want my help or anyone else's.

Im comin up off dat serious note tonight.....Not that Im not alwayz SERIOUS....but yea...

Aiight...so tonight I went to my girlfriendz xanga (Which u can see by going over to my profile section and clicking on "The Rhythm 2 My Heartbeat")...ANYWAY...I went to her xanga right...and she had wrote this big long entry about how she really feels about me....and DAMN that brought a tear to my eye.  NO SERIOUSLY...I was ready to cry....I mean...I LOVE HER SOOOOO MUCH...and I know that she loves me...but to be able to read somethin so deep kinda hit dat soft spot...Im a sucka for her love.  I do feel so many ways about her....but I dont think I could ever tell her...I can only show her.  I mean...I dream of spending my life with her and often times I talk about spending my life with her (DONT I ANGELA???? lol)...Because thatz all I want. I have never felt this way about someone before and although its scary, is quite refreshing.  Itz wonderful to be in love with someone who is just as much in love with you.  I wish I knew how to even begin to tell her whatz really in my heart.  She's all I want and need in this world and I look forward to that future with ME AND HER AND 1 OR 2 BABY (S) (possibly 3 if IM LUCKY :-D)she was talkin about.  I look forward to growing old with her.  
BABY....
 
And I cant wait to see what this world has in store for us...

Ok so I got tha creative juices flowin again...Or maybe I just chased the Writers block away..either way I have something new to share...

Addicted
It is the rush of two bodies pressed against eachother
the passion ignited when two hearts are bonded together by physical attraction
It's the soft kisses and hard thrusts
Followed by the moans and sweet whispers
IT IS ADDICTION...
And although I've grown quite fond of her taste on my tongue
while her fingers are running thru my hair
It's the way she tells me she loves me while Im mid-stroke
That causes me to give into this addiction of mine
It's her body and mine intertwined
For a night full of both love and lust
Waiting in anticipation for multiple orgasmic feelings
Leaves me fiening for the moment I can be in her arms again...
And again....And Again...
And while she is loving me and I am loving her
My mind is on cloud 9
Hoping to reach the point of no return
But I always do seem to come down from this high
Although never left unsatisfied
I am disappointed that it is over
Yet hopeful for another round of extacee
Because I am addicted to her sex
And her sex.....Well....
Her sex is addicted to me

*~D3sign3d 4 W0m3n Only~*

I wanna make love, sweet love//All night long, till  the rising of the sun//Bring your body close to mine, and it feels so right//Don't let go of me//Girl, I wanna make love, sweet love//All night long, til the rising of the sun
Bring your body close to mine, and it feels so right//Don't let go of me.....

DATZ SEXY AINT IT?????? LOL
Well, I actually have something to say today so I felt like getting on here and filling yall folkz in on whatz on my mind. I dont really know where to start...But Errrr Ummmm....
Ok....Im going home to see tha wifey this weekend....My homegirl n I are rentin a car for the weekend so that my baby can see me and I can see her. I got alot of makin up 2 do if u know what I mean...ITZ BEEN A WHILE U FEEL ME?!?!?!?! lol Im lookin 4ward to it because....Well...I alwayz look 4ward to seeing her.
Syreeta is trying to talk me into going to Main Campus next year.  She even made out my schedule for me....I was like WOW...IS SHE SERIOUS....And boi...is she ever so serious. lol I dunno...Imma talk it ova wit tha wife and see what she thinks. I mean, I'll be closer to home than I am now and syreeta and I would prolly come home just about every weekend....HELL ITZ ONLY A 4 HOUR DRIVE to get home. But Like I said, I'll talk to tha wifey about it and see what she thinks.
School is going good.....Work is going good....I just finished paying off some more of my semester bill.....I hate havin to pay these fuckaz all that money when i aint get shit outta comin here..lol NO THRILLS...NO ONE NIGHT STANDS...NO DECENT PARTIES....OH WELL...I guess I just have to deal with it...
Ok I guess I didnt feel like writing as much as I thought I did.....Imma be out for now.....
TTYL

4-real 4-real...I aint gettin too technical tonight...Im tired...Im at work....and Im grumpy. lol Im workin 7 dayz a week and when im not workin Im sleepin...so u gotta understand thatz why Im not updating this thing like I should. 

N E WAY....School is almost ova...i got about a month left and then Im headed back home.  I dont really know how I feel about that so Im not going to get into it.  Im saving up for my car so hopefully Imma have my own wheels this summer.  Then I just gotta get da wifey to come with me Apartment shoppin...so she can find somethin she would feel comfortable visiting me in....CUZ SHE WILL BE AT MY PLACE ALOT....Being as tho I be at hers alot...U know..I gotta return tha favor.
Her and I really havent talked to much lately. Nothing's wrong with our relationship...We're not beefin...Itz just that I be sleepin during the day cuz I work at night and she be tired at night too...So we do talk on a daily basis but it dont be for long.  Im not complaining tho cuz we both understand that we tryin to make that money....Hopefully I'll be goin home not this weekend but next....Just to stay with her.  It would be nice to be with her on tha 15th....In fact...on the 15th we've been togetha 6 months.  IT was a very quick 6 months but hey...I got a lifetime to spend with her....

   Aiight well...Thatz about it for now....Gottta go back to work now...
*~Goodnight~*

"Now things have changed...And what your feel is not the same...I thought we couldn’t make ends meet...But you can’t stand no more pain...And now I know pain and it is me...I’m lonely and here is where I want you to be...A woman like you is too precious to lose and I am confused...What will I do baby I love you and I’m...Sorry"

I never thought I'd say this...BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL....This spring break fuckin suckz.  I've seen my wife all of 2 dayz since I've been home, I got put out my house, I got my damn finger broke in a car accident, and then I came back home but itz not like I can go no where because tha bitch dont know Im even here so Im tryin to dodge her...MEANING tha car cant be gone when she getz home.  Im frusterated, Im upset, and my relationship dont even feel right. 
Everything about HOME screams out..."WTF"....No one is happy with anything.  They catch attitudes about something as simple as what tha fuck we're eatin for a meal.  I can go out...BUT...I gotta be home b4 da bitch getz home....all because itz HER car...I MEAN...REALLY....Last time I checked I was 20 right?? I had a really good relationship up until this week, I do have friendz which eventually Im going to shut off from the whole world, or they're gonna shut me off because plans never go like they're supposed to.  But when I do get a chance to follow thru wit plans they get fucked up because I gotta go.  Im sick of da bull shit...Im frusterated with all of this.  I need my own car, I NEED to be able to say...what I GOT IS MINE AND IMMA DO WHAT I WANT BECAUSE IM PAYING FOR IT MYSELF.  I love my family to death, I really do....but I cant take much more having to sit in the house just because a certain person in this household wants to "control" everything.  But no one seems to understand that....No one can even begin to PUT THEIRSELF In my situation because they've never been there.  Today was the first time in a long time that  I sat n cried for reasons that I dont even know.  I mean, I miss being here when Im gone, but when I get home Im not exactly happy to be here. Im happy to be home with my aunt and my grandmova, but at times I just want to be able to get out and do me.  The same shit happened last spring break but it wasnt as bad as this time.  im supposed to be coming home for GOOD in a few months and now Im not sure if Im looking forward to it anymore.  I want to be close to my aunt and grandmova. I really wanna be close to my wife too, but tha way things goin...I aint gonna have her too much longer either.  All this has got to stop yo, but I dont even know why Im explaining all this because no one who reads this is gonna understand unless they've been there and been thru it.
My baby, well....she still sint happy with me.  She's still upset about Saturday and yesterday.  Im not even gonna explain what happened because itz pointless.  Once again I was wrong...LIKE ALWAYZ...IM WRONG. 
On anotha note she hurt my feelins today when I called her and asked her if she was going to work late and basically she said "And I still wouldnt ask u to come get me".  All because yesterday I was going to pick her up from Suitland Station and I was about 30-45mins late pickin her up because I caught up in traffic.  But fuck all the excuses the point was I still didnt pick her up.  She hung up on my twice yesterday, (she prolly doesnt consider it hangin up because she said bye) and thatz tha one thing I think I hate most.  I hate being hung up on....I know she's mad at me or atleast still upset with me, she'z made that quite clear...Im alwayz late when we're supposed to go out, Im alwayz lookin at my watch when Im around her...Im alwayz havin to leave...But she just doesnt understand.  She'z knows me really well...sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself, but she just doesnt understand anotha part of me.  Thatz probably because I've never told her.  I'm going to attempt to explain it to her tomorrow when we go to dinner so I wont put anything up here until she knows first. I just know that I love her and Im so afraid of losing her....Right now Im beside myself because this has been probably one of the worst times I've ever spent at home because nothing seems to be going right, not even the one thing that alwayz seems right to me...and thatz MY BABY.
Anyway, Im off to my room to indulge in something that takes me away from it all....music and art.  I havent drawn in a long ass time until lastnight and beside poetry (which im not really good at) and music, I've rediscovered another outlet that used to help me get by b4.....
*GOODNIGHT*

^^TRUTH IS^^

Datz what it is. Baby I love u...I Miss u when we're not togetha or talkin...U are my betta half....I need u in my life. 
My wife called me 2nite, just to let me know she wasnt beefin no more.  That made my day a lil betta. I can't type too well...I got a broke finger and a major headache...I'll give tha story behind it lata...Have a goodnight.
*~DONE~*

"I can't take another day without you
'Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I've been waiting so long, just to hold you
And be back in your arms where I belong
Sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love....
And everything I had in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me."
-3 Doors Down: Here By Me-

DELETED

"Let Me Go"
By: 3 Doors Down
One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me goo...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Girl it's all on you//Have it your way//And if you want you can decide//And if youll have me//I can provide// everything that you desire//Said if you get a feeling//Feeling that I am feeling//Won't you come closer
To me baby//when you've already got me where you want me baby//I just want to be your man


Im writing in yellow because it is a bright day and YES TODAY IS A VERY GOOD DAY!!!! I don't know why itz so good but it is.  Ok so maybe I do know why itz so good.  First off...my baby called me and woke up up again this morning. Its somethin about her voice first thing in the morning that makes me have a good day....Im just so happy and energetic. See what love will do to u??? lol Anotha reason is, my Valentine's plans are all put together and ready to be put to use.  I finished putting everything together yesterday/lastnight and now all I gotta do is wait til the 18th when I come home.  On another note, I feel good today. Im lookin good, feeling good, and my bday is in 2 dayz.  Im partying all weekend and thatz wassup.  I dont have very much money I can spend on buying some things I want.  I saw this Scarface outfit yesterday at the mall and itz $130.  Itz a black and gray outfit. The jeans got Al Pacino on them...witl lil bullet hole designes on them.  The shirt is black and gray, and so is the hoody.  I can rock those wit my black n grey AF1z....Oh yea..Imma be lookin official...BUTTTTTTTT I gotta save up for a lil while and go back n get it. Hoepfully it will still be there when I go back for it, the girl that works there said it was sellin fast...So I guess we'll see.

Im counting down the days til my B-day...ONLY 2!!!!! lol Im ready for it to come...Im tired of lookin at these presents sitting here in my face...Im ready to open them.  I know most of what I got but itz the fact that they will be open! Im ready for the Super Bowl too. Man Imma go nuts at the bar. Im tellin u...This is gonna be interesting. Im excited all around pretty much, this week couldnt have taken any longer to get here! lol I need to be packing my stuff so that when my mom gets here Im ready to go. But she hasnt called me yet so I'll have time to pack while she drives to come and get me. 

"Sex is on my miiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnndddd".....Wow...I know this is really random and TMI for most of yall...but All I have been thinking about lately is sex.  I can be sittin in class and out of no where I'll be thinkin about sex.  Im not deprived...my baby gives me plenty...but I think itz because Im not home for months at at time and I be feinin...Good sex is hard to come by but....LEMME TELL U...MY BABY CAN THROW DOWN...Ummm Hmm...But Man I need some sex, I want some sex, and LAWD HAVE MERCY I gotta have some SOOOOON....Im talkin bout some serious sex 2....That have sex for an hour or 2 and take a 15min break...then go at it again...then take a 15min break...then go some more...go to sleep for an hour or 2...then wake up n do it all ova again...And just do it periodically throughout the day...I dont think u understand how serious I am about this. I just ordered this new strap, Im hopin it gets here b4 i go home...cuz Im tryin to break it in...U feel me??!?!? lol Ok..lemme stop b4 I get in trouble for puttin TMI out there...So This topic is closed...
Aiight ladiez n gentlemen...Im going to go pack now...I will update again on Monday or Tuesday to tell about my weekend...
*~Holl@~*